Another dream.  I saw the number thirty.  I've always been fascinated with dreams--believe that they can be messages from God.  My husband thinks I'm slightly cracked, yet I am not put off by his doubts, and can understand his dubiousness, understand that my take is a bit weird--perhaps more than a bit. Dreams are mysteries.  And I attempt to unravel them, first asking myself, "What might God be saying, what might He be hiding for me?"

My first avenue for decoding the number thirty included reading books of the Bible that have a thirtieth chapter.  There really aren't many.  I read things I didn't understand in Ezekiel and comforting words in Psalm 30, encouraging words in Deuteronomy, puzzling concepts in Leviticus. I recalled Rachel's and Jacob's love story in Genesis, the details God spoke to Moses in Exodus. Then in I Samuel I found the phrase I sense God hid for me:  David strengthened himself with trust in his God (30:6, The Message).

The notion of strength intrigued me, because I am physically weak now, managing side effects of medication intended to make me well--eventually.  How did David strengthen himself with trust in God?  How do I accomphish this?  A thought that came to me was remembering parenting my own children.  When my girls were small, I'd put out my hand when we went about our errands, or when we were more adventurous and headed to amusement parks or to the zoo.  They were rarely hesitant to grab hold of my hand.  They trusted me to lead them, even when they weren't sure where we were headed.  And I will never forget the sensation of their hands in mine.  I could feel the dimpled flesh, the slightness.  I relished that soft contact, glad to be their mother, happy that we could go places together.  Delighted with their trust in me. 

I thought of how God must enjoy it when I place my hand in His.  Even when I don't know where the pathway leads, His firm grip is succor and strength, despite the uncertainty.

Ease feels foreign--and suspicious.~Julia Cameron

In the dream I found myself driving hundreds of miles with no breaks.  I drove so fast, I couldn't discern the territory I passed.  I became exhausted and couldn't keep my foot on the accelerator.  I nodded off, my chin slumping to my chest.  Then I jerked awake, terrified to discover that I wasn't in my lane.  I slapped my cheek and said, "You've got to keep driving.  Go on."  There was no thought of pulling over and resting.  Onward I drove, confused and growing more desperate with each mile.  Where was I headed?  Finally, I followed a road that led to an expansive grove of trees and a sign that plainly announced my destination: "ROAD ENDS."  

I awakened, only to drift back to sleep and dreamed again.  This time I found myself in the crowded hallway of a hotel.  People pushed and shoved each other attempting to get to their rooms.  I didn't know where I was going.  I simply allowed myself to be jostled along by the mass of people.  Suddenly a tall man who stood well above the other people tapped me on the shoulder.  He handed me a room key and said, "There is a room waiting for you on the fifth floor. Go there now.  The room is yours for as long as you need it."  I took the key and rode an elevator to floor five.  When I unlocked the door to the room, I noted this was no ordinary lodging.  As I walked through the suite, I discovered a sitting area with a comfortable chair and ottoman where I could relax and think.  A study contained a desk that overlooked a balcony.  A computer was there for my use.  And a leather bound journal sat on the desk, filled with fresh, unlined pages for me to fill.  I opened the sliding glass door and stepped onto a balcony enclosed with an ornate, wrought iron enclosure.  One chair and a side table awaited my presence.  I looked out over the wide expanse of ocean and breathed in the aromatic salty essence of the sea.

I walked into a dark canyon a few days ago--feeling sorry for myself and feeling angry, the side effects from current medical treatments making inroads into my life that I didn't appreciate.   I told a colleague, "For me now, it's sort of like being in a drought-infested geography.  I don't have a lot of energy, so I must conserve, conserve, conserve.  Can't water my yard, or I won't have enough water to drink."  I knew I had to walk myself out of the dusky jaws of that canyon; its walls did not create a healthy environment.  To begin my departure, I used a coping skill I define as "Looking Back."  What has helped me in the past to better transcend feelings of anger and self-pity?  

This question can sometimes send me back to my childhood-- asking what things brought me hope or pleasure.  I thought back to fourth grade, my nine-year-old self.  Every day I rode my royal purple, Schwinn Stingray bicycle to school, banana seat and streamers sprouting from the handle bars.  And sometimes on my ride home, I'd stop at a large field, enclosed with wire fencing.  Horses pastured there, and I liked to look at them.  I wished that I could pet them, but they never ventured near me.  Until one day.  I often saved a snack from my lunch to eat on the way home.  I stood near the fence, and was about to take a bite from my apple when a brown horse trotted up to me and placed his head over the fence, his face very close to my head.

At its best, the sensation of writing is that of any unmerited grace.  It is handed to you but only if you look for it.  You search.  You break your heart, your back, your brain and then and only then it is handed to you.  From the corner of your eye, you see motion.  Something is moving through the air and headed your way on two white wings.  It flies directly at you.  You can read your name on it.  If it were a baseball, you 'd hit it out of the park.  It is that one pitch in a thousand you see in slow-motion.~Annie Dilliard

This week I've included an excerpt from the book I'm currently working on.  My working title, The Intensity Of Romantic Gestures, On Writing and Marriage.  I've realized that my writing life is interlaced with the marital pathway, divine rhythms echoing through both stories.  This piece reflects the time in my history with Giovanni when we still bridged geographical distance in our relationship.  I turned to the page as a way to better manage the distance.  Art brings healing, breathes courage into one's life, no matter the form or genre.   

This is from the chapter entitled Verdant Lizard.

She is kind.  Glitter seems to trail her path.  My colleague. She is blonde, fair, with Prussian-blue eyes.  She wears silver necklaces in the shape of seahorses. Her hair flows in honey-colored waves down her back.  Her smile could light the darkest room.  And the other day she gave me a gift that has serendipitously placed me in new geography, a territory bursting with color--like Dorothy walking into Oz. She came into my office and placed a turquoise gift bag in front of me. The next day I was off to one of my medical treatments.  She knew it would be a challenging day. Each gift was wrapped in bright pink tissue paper studded with miniature white stars.  I found a tasty energy bar, then a light-blue journal imprinted with the phrase "Find Peace."  The third gift included a carrying case of thirty-six multi-colored gel pens.  "I thought these colors would help brighten your days.  I love gel pens and coloring things."  She smiled then, her face lit up like a sunrise.

I placed the gel pens in my office and didn't use them right away.  There was no question that the journal would be used.  I write something every day, and I fill up journals quickly.  I'd already eaten the energy bar.  But the pens?  They were something I'd never buy for myself.  But recently I'd purchased a sketch book.  I didn't draw.  I don't know why I bought it, yet I found a box of sketch pencils and taken them with the pad up to the cash register.  The next day, I'd sharpened a pencil and drew two pictures.  The drawings were surely the work of an amateur, but I liked them, and when I drew, I felt my relationship deepening with the page, a feeling close to my experience when I write.  There was something missing from my drawings, though. Color.