A Prayer of Unknowing

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I'm following Your will does not mean that I'm actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen.~Thomas Merton (From Thoughts In Solitude)

People come to the rescue, just in the nick of time. In my mind, I was a woman standing alone by the edge of the sea. The waves an indefatigable soundtrack. Salt crusted on my lips. Seagulls crying overhead. The sky mildly blue. I pondered my life and decisions I needed to make. Then it was as if I turned my head and envisaged two women walking toward me, one a little older, one considerably younger. Beloved women in my life. Wise women who'd recently talked to me, written emails to me filled with their thoughts and powerfully comforting words. I imagined them linking arms with me and saying, "Let's walk." And in this vision, I walked between them. Our bare feet created indentations along the shoreline. Our faces were lit by sunlight. I felt embraced by their unwavering gaze into my eyes. Their understanding. I experienced their acceptance, even when I shared my confusion, my stubborn need to get justice when I sensed repentance was my better choice. 

And without judgment, these two women, filled with the Spirit of Christ, told me this:

One woman said she'd been in a similar circumstance and affirmed that it is okay "not to know." She sent me the prayer by Thomas Merton. She said, "You are trusting God. His faithfulnes is iconic and never ending. He is the Good Shepherd who will show you every step on the path." I took sustanence from her faith, her strength. Oh, to be understood by another.

The other woman said she'd been re-reading Jane Eyre. My friend said, "I love that book and I wondered in your decision making if you might ask yourself, 'What would Jane do?'"  She continued, "Jane would believe that a life spent pouring out oneself to an endeavor with few natural rewards, would be a beautiful sacrifice to the Lord. And your commitment to this calling, even though others might consider it a waste of time, could transform your inner being from glory to glory." Oh, that surge of confidence when someone gives you hope to trust that transformation of heart is better than earthly or monetary gains. "In fact, heart change is the truest treasure," my other friend agreed.

The imaginary walk along the shore, melded with that dreamlike ocean breeze and the scent of sunlight and salt and helped me to take a deep breath. Inhaling God's mercy, exhaling all my unknowing.