Moments

There are moments that cry out to be fulfilled.

Like telling someone you love them.

Or giving your money away, all of it.

Your heart is beating, isn't it?

You're not in chains, are you?

There is nothing more pathetic than caution

when headlong might save a life,

even possibly, your own.~Mary Oliver

There are decisions to make every day. And the choices add up, good or not as good, over time. Then there are what I define as the big decisions. Who to marry, whether to get the degree, the career path, another child. Every season of life contains the "big ones." I thought at almost seventy years old, I had surpassed most of the major decisions. Surely I have to some degree, yet a choice I needed to consider emerged. 

I had the opportunity to move forward with publishing my books in an expanded format. I felt excitement about having my books in other locations besides Amazon or ThriftBooks. I would be responsible for promotion and getting the word out, creating a TikTok platform and having to "face" Facebook again. There was monetary investment as well. The publisher exhibited enthusiasm about my work and encouraged me to think about "getting out there." 

A part of me felt allured by the possibilities. I experienced a riptide of emotion thinking of working at a more accelerated pace regarding my writing. Yet there was another part of my heart that wasn't into moving faster. Who knows how much time there is left in a life. I'm closer to the end than I am to the beginning, or even the middle. Then a brief moment caught me off gaurd. My 10-year-old grandson gave me a hug hello when I dropped by to see him. His warm arms around my neck, the smell of his minty breath from just-brushed teeth, almost brought me to tears. I realized that my time with him was ephemeral. Life moves fast. He was already ten. I wanted as much of him as I could get in these next years. His teenage sister too. I knew myself. I'd spend too much time on social media and doing all the things I believed needed to be done to "get the word out." 

I ran headlong to the door of "I love the life I have now," pressed down on the handle and stepped over the threshold. I love to write at my own velocity. I need time alone with God so I can write. I want less of social media, not more. There were a few voices that whispered, "Take a risk, take this opportunity with the books." And I did.